If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
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My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
tell em, edith-anne
