If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
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I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem