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Like, if you agree.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Get in loser we’re going crying
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
