If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
