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Like, if you agree.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
