If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
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[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
wtf management?!
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this