If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

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“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.


ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head


Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?


Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?


9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again


Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.


DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what


[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.


Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.