If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
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Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.