“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
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ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.