Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant