If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
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Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Stop
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
A male goth is called a broth.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.