Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.