Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

HELP 😭

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops