Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

stand with me against insufficient seating

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.