If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
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[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.