If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme