4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Cats (2019)
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming