If you like someone, pretend they’re a charger and you’re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.

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Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.


I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?


in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played “in the end” by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off


Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!


I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.


Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-


[The Rock gets crushed]



Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist


There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.


Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.


S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.