If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
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Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.