If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well