If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
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Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Ironic
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel