If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
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Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
How funny!
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”