If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
