If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
When you put it that way… 😂
Chemical wingman
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.