Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

.

.

.

.

.

.

He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.