If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
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I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
me adding lol on a serious message
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.