Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend