If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
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Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”