Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Fights fire with marshmallows

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

Self-cleaning conscience