If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Awwwww shit.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
This is so me 😂😂
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.