If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”