If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
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Netflix and awkward silence?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
boat question
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.