If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
presenting your incognito window wrapped
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.