If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
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My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
How to find Kentucky on a map
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr