If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
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Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
wut hotdog?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.