If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
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That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda