If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
You Might Also Like
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Day 2 of my diet
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.