If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
i really liked this one
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
How I’d get arrested…
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*