If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Cat is stressing him out.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff