Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?