Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.