If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
