If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
