Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College