If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Safety first
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
three things we don’t talk about
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
