If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
79.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
