If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
