If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There鈥檚 a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Steam Forums
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 馃檮
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don鈥檛 know if you can get it off again.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Can鈥檛, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.