If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
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*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
This is no longer winter this is harassment