Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.