Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never stops being funny

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you