If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
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*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Beware of the dog..
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place