If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
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[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
one of
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
