Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap