If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated