If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
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Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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