Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops