Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.