If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?