Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

getting seasonal up in here

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

I’m having an out of money experience.

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……