If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
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My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings