If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
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I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.