If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Comparing yourself to others
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
murder on the timeline
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.