If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
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[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
The pen is writier than the sword.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me