Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.