Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

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*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

🥴😂

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions