If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn鈥檛 in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person鈥檚 name I just met as they鈥檙e still talking:
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
馃檨
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
them: Why don鈥檛 you think about what you鈥檙e doing?
me: lolz
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
The struggle is real! 馃ぃ #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[at the office]
Secretary: There鈥檚 a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there鈥檚 no room for a freezer to hide a body
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show